turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
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9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.