[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds