I like it thick and deep
Pizza
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I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Chicago sounds lovely.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year