If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
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Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
Monday?
No. Next question.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever