Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
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Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
you stereotypes are all alike
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it