When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths