When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
You Might Also Like
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.