At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
hmm conte-me mais
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!