Always a metermaid never a meter
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I can’t stop watching this.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
#dalle2
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”