There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
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BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG