If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
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I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*