Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.