My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
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Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
My favorite female superhero
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;