Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
fair
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.