Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
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My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
me 2 months after i graduated
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
john wicks are toilet candles
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
😅😅😅
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.