If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
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Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.