I am interested in:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 making peace with the terror of being alive
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people鈥檚 tweets
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That鈥檚 right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.