I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
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The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.