Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
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People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
time for some seasonal decor
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Smells like a challenge to me
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
it must be school picture day
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question