Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
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AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.