Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
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I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.