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Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
giddy up Office Depot
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!