*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Cause of death: Zumba
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
i smell a pulitzer
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”