Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?