One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
You Might Also Like
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
Try and stop me.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
live, laugh, laundry.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Stop it! 😂
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.