[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
What?
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.