Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
You Might Also Like
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
wish me luck lads
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”