ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I’m good, thanks.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
This kid is a star!
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.