You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?