her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this