a lot to unpack here
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date