Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
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Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
For the orator and chef in all of us
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food