Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
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*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
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I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.