My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
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To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Hard not to take this personally
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .