Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
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It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.