Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks