“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.