Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I’m pretty like a car crash.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!