Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
decorating my apartment
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.