Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
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If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?