Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
You Might Also Like
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool