[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
wish me luck lads
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.