God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
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(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all