Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
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Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
*names my little horse OneTrick*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste