had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
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WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
This is enough internet for the day.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.