DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
u spoke cat all this time??????
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside