Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
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hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.