If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.