Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.