Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
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parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
#dnd #ttrpg
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait